


Bits and Pieces

by rachelvanbora



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 11:55:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 6,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3409661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachelvanbora/pseuds/rachelvanbora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas Creativity Night: one new chapter :-)<br/>Contains assorted bits and pieces mostly written for the Fandot Creativity Night (different prompts, fifteen-ish minutes for each).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nighty

Nighty

Theresa: A nighty sky god? Martin, you naughty boy.  
Martin: No, not nighty-I´m not naughty-it´s nothing like that-  
Theresa: Three...  
Martin: What?  
Theresa: Douglas said to count. And when you get to five, I can be pretty sure that anything you´ve just said must obviously be true.  
Martin: Teresa, why are we talking about Douglas?  
Theresa: Because you wanted to whine about him being the Mighty Sky God?  
Martin: I´m not whining.  
Theresa: Grouching? Griping? Bellyaching?  
Martin: None of those either.  
Theresa: Four.  
Martin: But those were your synonyms -- I know he´s not a Mighty Sky God. The trouble is, though, you sometimes can´t tell the difference.  
Theresa: Oh, but I can. Wanna see a Sky Godess in her nightie?


	2. Coaching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Douglas helps Arthur to write a Valentine. Or so it would seem.

Coaching

Douglas: Well, you can always try something traditional. „Roses are red. Violets are blue...“  
Arthur: Brilliant! I can totally do this: „Lemons are yellow.“   
Douglas: Yes. Well-   
Arthur: „And some cars are too.“  
Douglas: I don´t think she´ll be very impressed with that line, unless you plan to actually buy her a car.   
Arthur: „You, are like a yellow car.“   
Douglas: Succint. You might want to think very carefully about the next line, though.   
Arthur: „I´m always on the look out for you.“


	3. I see what you did there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Herc on Carolyn

I see what you did there

I, survivor of the withering glare,  
see now there´s no need to ask,  
nor to tell  
To mouth it, or spell  
I know my alpha dog so well.


	4. Bird watching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "Bird Watching". The only bird I could think of was the one watching Douglas´ perfect landing :-)

Douglas: No, if you just loop it around like this-  
Martin: -and get completely...tangled.  
Douglas: First Herc sounds like a Disney toy, then you like a Disney exec.  
Martin: (silence)  
Douglas: Oh, don´t tell me you actually liked the movie?  
Martin: I am not even admitting to having seen it.  
Douglas: I see. How many times?  
Martin: Douglas, how come you´re the one all covered in duct tape and still manage to make me feel like a complete clot?  
Douglas: I am not all covered in duct tape Martin, I am just creating an extra storage space here in the cabin, scrupulously following every safety procedure you´ve thrown on me. See how solid this is?  
Martin: Douglas, I hate to break it to you, but there is a uniformed airport security officer right behind you.  
Douglas: Really? Oh, that´s just Dave, from the Customs.  
Martin: Of course. And what is Dave doing here?  
Douglas: Watching how it´s supposed to be done?


	5. Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frustrated Herc. Carolyn tries to cheer him up. Douglas tries to steal Herc´ thunder. OJS-verse. Unprompted ficlet.

Carolyn: It can happen to anyone.  
Herc: No, it can´t. And even if it did, that wouldn´t have been a comforting thought.  
Carolyn: If it´s any help, you looked very valliant trying to-  
Herc: Thank you, Carolyn. Why don´t you just let the sheep in?  
Carolyn: Herc-  
Herc: I still don´t understand why it sounded nothing like the song I have in my head. It took me forever to find the sheets, I played each note, each pause, each accent accurately and yet...  
Douglas: A classic case of Sheetschmerz.  
Herc: A Sheetschmerz.  
Douglas: Yes, common affliction among lesser...pianists. Allow me.  
Carolyn/Herc: No!  
Douglas: No, as in „No, Douglas, don´t withhold your prodigious talent from us, mere mortals“?  
Carolyn: No, as in „just because you found 100 miles of goldwire in my plane that doesn´t mean I cannot fire you“.  
Douglas: Oh Carolyn, firing me for being better than Herc? Don´t you think that ship has sailed?  
Herc: What ship?  
Arthur: I know! It could be the Enterprise. Remember Douglas, how Martin made you watch-  
Carolyn: Arthur, apple of my eye-  
Herc: And better at what, precisely?  
Douglas: Everything.


	6. Duck, duck, a goose!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "duck, duck, goose". I had no idea it was a game! Naturally I thought of St. Petersburgh. So, there you have it, a post-St. Petersburgh snippet. Douglas is supportive.

Duck, duck, a goose!

 

Carolyn: Martin, what on earth are you trying to do?  
Douglas: Given the circumstances, you could even ask: „what in sky?“  
Carolyn: Mr. Alyachin is drenched from head to feet in Chateau Gatwick -  
Douglas: Drenched? Impressive. What did you serve it in, Carolyn? Plastic bucket?  
Carolyn: Shut up, Douglas. Or was this your idea? Are you training for washed-up pilots airshow? Preparing another candy air strike?  
Douglas: Well, if you must know, the captain executed an evasive maneuver. Rather efficiently, I must say.  
Carolyn: An evasive maneuver.  
Alyakhin: Babushka? Babushka!  
Douglas: Ah, your master´s voice. Lovely talking to you, Carolyn.  
Carolyn: Not the adjective I´d have picked. We´re not finished. (Carolyn leaves the cockpit)  
Martin: Thank you Douglas.  
Douglas: For telling the truth? Yes, that was an effort.  
Martin: For not telling her the geese formation the ATC talked about was actually spotted miles away from where we´re now.  
Douglas: Why spoil the fun? Go, Martin, do another one.


	7. Forbidden.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another prompt, this time "forbidden". Douglas suggest a word game. I don´t think he came out on top. OMG, I must be writing him wrong!

Forbidden.

Martin: You mean like fruit?  
Arthur: Strawberries!  
Douglas: Actually the original forbidden fruit was apples.  
Arthur: Right. Because they taste like wood and that is very forbidden to eat.  
Douglas: Unless you´re a beaver.  
Carolyn: Good Lord, it´s not only catching, it has mutated and now it scares even me.  
Douglas: I simply meant rhymes for „forbidden“.

Carolyn: A kimono, thought to be well hidden-

Douglas: Oh, not that old chestnut again.

Carolyn: Nothing declared, nothing written-

Martin: -valliant customs officers saw right through the scheme

Martin: -focused on the culprit like a laser beam

Douglas: Moralising limericks should be forbidden!


	8. Oh, Wendy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unprompted. Wokingham-verse. Douglas spends time with Wendy.

Arthur: (singing, with feeling) Oh Wendy, will you come, will you fly with us Wendy-  
Martin: Is that a real song?  
Douglas: I´m not sure about the lyrics, but the tune is hauntingly familiar.  
Carolyn: Arthur, stop butchering Barry Manilow!  
Arthur: (sotto voce) Oh, Wendy!  
Douglas: So, a mother who has not had a heart attack and a flight attendant who decided to honour her with a passionate love song nothwithstanding, how is our valiant captain today?  
Martin: Fine.  
Douglas: Five times fine?  
Martin: What?  
Douglas: Fine 5 squared?  
Martin: Douglas, I need a massive favour.  
Douglas: Hmm. You often do, you just rarely admit it.  
Martin: Douglas.  
Douglas: Yes?  
Martin: Could you possibly look after my mother tonight? It won´t be long, it´s a quick moving job, I´ll be there before you know it-  
Douglas: What time?  
Martin: Six p.m. Sharp. Obviously, you ´ll come when the spirit moves you, but -   
Douglas: OK.  
Martin: OK? That´s it? You´re not going to gloat? Haggle? Cash in the favour in advance?  
Douglas: Metaphorically?  
Martin: I could pay you off in cheese and walk-arounds.  
Douglas: Throw in a couple of otters and you have a deal. 

XXXXXXXXX

Douglas: Considering how Martin usually fares at these games that was surprisingly good, Wendy.  
Wendy: Oh. Thank you captain Richardson.  
Douglas: Douglas.  
Wendy: Douglas. When you say “surprisingly good“ are you referring to a tea with an eyball in it?  
Douglas: I beg your pardon?  
Wendy: Well, Arthur´s been telling me all about this new show with Sherlock Holmes, apparently his favourite-  
Douglas: No need to say more. No, when I said “surprisingly good“ it meant I was really impressed.  
Wendy: Well, that was nothing, really.  
Douglas: I disagree. You were fast. And that limerick was all you.  
Wendy: Ah. Captain – Douglas?  
Douglas: Yes?  
Wendy: You have been reading Murakami lately, haven´ t you?  
Douglas: Murakami?  
Wendy: You know, he wrote that book about a girl and a boy-  
Douglas: That does ring a faint bell.  
Wendy: -and the girl sung an atrocious song and the boy looked into her eyes and said: “It was truly unique and it expressed your personality perfectly“.  
Douglas: Do you want me to look into your eyes and tell you that you are a very well- read lady, Wendy?  
Wendy: Douglas! Well, you know, naturally one reads, there´s nothing to it, really.  
Douglas: You´re really not good at accepting compliments, Wendy.  
Wendy: Oh, I am the worst.  
Douglas: You´re quite good at deflecting them, though.  
Wendy: Am I?  
Douglas: The unsurpassed master.  
Wendy: Well, I suppose I am. Although – Douglas?  
Douglas: Yes Wendy.  
Wendy: I really think it was just beginner´s luck.


	9. Bright-eyed, Bushy-tailed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makes much more sense, if you read chapter 8 (Oh, Wendy) first. Sleepy Douglas. Carolyn is a coffee thief.

Martin: You should perhaps hurry with that coffee, Arthur.  
Arthur: But Skip, we´re still on the ground.  
Martin: And we won´t be going up until my FO is at least half-awake.  
Douglas: (clears his throat)  
Martin: Douglas, your eyes were closed.  
Douglas: I saw nothing worth looking at. Besides, whose fault is that?  
Martin: I apologised. I am really sorry that moving job took me so long yesterday.  
Douglas: Your mother is a lovely lady.  
Martin: Douglas, are you all right?  
Douglas: Why ever not?  
Martin: It´s just that lately you been uncharacteristically...helpful.  
Douglas: That´s positively slanderous. I´ve always been helpful.  
Martin: Yes, very enthusiastic about helping others to embarrass themselves. But not helpful helpful.  
Carolyn: You know what they say: there´s no fool like an old fool.  
Douglas: I´ve long thought so, but my deep respect for captain Shipwright has always kept me from bringing that up.  
Carolyn: Oh Douglas. I forgot how funny you can be when you need to change the subject.  
Martin: So you see it too?  
Carolyn: Of course. The damsel in distress thing definitely works on our Douglas.  
Douglas: Rubbish factwise and not much of an alliteration either.  
Carolyn: I´m trying to wake you up, Douglas, not to re-write Beowolf.  
Douglas: (yawns) Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, at your service.  
Carolyn: So you won´t be needing that coffee after all? Why, thank you Arthur!


	10. The Tent Experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another fandot creativity night. The prompt was tent/confusion. Canon-compliant.

Martin:           Didn´t she say “Old World charm“? I thought the „Old World“ meant Europe.

Douglas:         It usually does. But she also used the word “bedouin“.

Martin:           Yes. I thought it was some peculiar metaphor.

Douglas:         Ah, the optimism of the youth.

Arthur:            Chaps, this is brilliant!

Douglas:         You mean the fluffy carpet for bed, or the smelly water-pipe for dinner?

Arthur:            Mum said the bedouins love to share their food. All we need to do is go out and socialise. Auch!

Douglas:         I am pretty sure she didn´t mean you should socialise with a camel, Arthur.

Martin:           Is that shampoo on your hair Arthur?

Douglas:         No, not quite. Take a few steps back, Arthur.

Martin:           Are they supposed to look this frothy around the mouth?

Arthur:            Skip, maybe she´s ill. Good thing I still got those Strepsils on me!

Martin:           Arthur, no!

Douglas:         Run for cover!


	11. A Night at the Opera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Herc/Carolyn; the prompt was "special clearance"

Carolyn:         Need to know, Herc, such an information is strictly need to know.

Herc:               You´re right, I do need to know.

Carolyn:         No, your question is immaterial, irrelevant and impertinent.

Herc:               Here we are, having the finest seats in Royal Opera House, and yet I feel as if we were in some courtroom drama.

Carolyn:         Don´t like courtrooms? Don´t try to cross-examine me then.

Herc:               I was merely inquiring after your current emotional state, my dear.

Carolyn:         And for that information, I fear, you´d need a special clearance.

Herc:               Goodness. Does that procedure entail extensive background checks?

Carolyn:         Naturally.

Herc:               Hmm. Why don´t we make a deal? You tell me what I want to know right now and I will reveal a secret.

Carolyn:         A secret?

Herc:               A mystery, which keeps you tossing and turning at night.

Carolyn:         You´re delusional, Herc. There´s nothing mysterious about you, I know you like the back of my hand.

Herc:               OK. Than riddle me this: what do I count to fall asleep?

 

(Here ends the original snippet. But what does Herc count instead of sheep? To me one answer is obvious. What is less obvious, however, is how to write it. I ´m still far from happy with my take...and I´d love to read yours!)

Carolyn:         Your premise being that since you´re afraid of sheep-

Herc:               -I disapprove of sheep-

Carolyn:         -since you fearfully disapprove of sheep I might find that question intriguing?

Herc:               Yes. Don´t you?

Carolyn:         Perhaps. Marginally so. Tell me, if you must.

Herc:               No guesses?

Carolyn:         Well, the logical alernative would be wolves, but I don´t think they quite converted to vegetarianism yet.

Herc:               No.

Carolyn:         No. The second act cannot come soon enough.

Herc:               You got two more guesses.

Carolyn:         Airplanes.

Herc:               Now you´re confusing me with Martin Crieff. Not quite the compliment I was hoping for.

Carolyn:         Actually, Martin is very - in his own way - why should I be paying you a compliment?

Herc:               Well, the list is endless, really.

Carolyn:         Please don´t tell me you go through it each night before you fall asleep.

Herc:               How little you think of me. No, lately, I´ve been counting hours.

Carolyn:         A slow-paced activity, I´ ll grant you that.

Herc:               Till our next meeting.

Carolyn:         Ah. Did I mention I always wanted to go to a sheep-shearing competition?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to everyone taking part in fadotcreativity nights for the fun and feedback. Special thanks to the brilliant person who suggested last night that Herc counts wolves. :-)


	12. The ZOO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another prompt from another creativity night. Slightly expanded. The fantastic four play a word game.

Carolyn: Dare I ask what the rules are?  
Douglas: No need to sound so apprehensive oh, mighty Alpha Dog. We´ll simply go through the animal kingdom-   
Arthur: -and make animal sounds! Skip, we´re going to win this one. We can even do it in different languages.   
Martin: That´s right.   
Martin/Arthur: Kikiriki!  
Douglas: No, not quite.   
Martin: One immediately sees you do not speak Spanish, Douglas. Because that was the sound of a Spanish cockerel.   
Douglas: -you find two animals that rhyme and propose the pair to your opponent. If he or she can find a third one, a point for them, if not, a point for you. Everything clear?  
Martin: I guess.  
Carolyn: Chick – tick.   
Douglas: An interesting choice.   
Carolyn: Oh, get your mind out the gutter, Douglas. It´s simply a winning combination.   
Douglas: Certainly, if you´re a meningitis virus.   
Arthur: Ugh. I hate ticks. How could you put the two together, mum?  
Carolyn: No other rhymes? Thought so. One – nil for me.   
Martin: Lynx – minx.   
Carolyn: That was fast.   
Martin: And clever. If I may say so myself.   
Douglas: Maybe a touch too fast. Skinks.   
Arthur: What´s a skinks?  
Martin: (resigned) A lizard.  
Douglas: Sky God and Alpha Dog firmly in the lead.   
Arthur: I got it now chaps! “Bee” and “Flea”.   
Martin: Well done, Arthur. Though there must be more. Wait: bee, flea…. Bee - flea - hepatitis B.  
Martin: Oh, don´t look at me like that. It was Douglas who first dragged in the viruses.   
Douglas: Hardly. Besides, Douglas would respectfully suggest manatee as a far better candidate.   
Martin: If the game is called the ZOO, then logically-  
Carolyn: Yes Martin?  
Martin: - viruses will have to be there as well. Besides, aren´t viruses the most successful predators on earth?  
Arthur: Wow. Do you think they ever move them to a petting ZOO?


	13. Things I didn´t Know Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "Before".

Things I didn´t Know Before

Among causes worth fighting for,  
there are: cheese  
And the right to x-ray the geese.

Even if you add Tic-Tacs to mulled wine  
X-mas can still turn out surprisingly fine.

There are games that never stop.  
And planes?  
Well, now they always cheer me up.


	14. Full Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "Full Moon". Now that always makes me think of Remus Lupin. But how do you weave that into Cabin Pressure?

Douglas: Well, I guess we have to chalk it up to the Full Moon then.  
Martin: You know perfectly well that no scientific study has ever been able to confirm the effects of the Full Moon on human or animal behaviour. It´s a myth.   
Douglas: Granted, granted, but there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio-  
Martin: Nonsense. There must be another, perfectly logical explanation.   
Douglas: Where Arthur is involved?   
Martin: Why do you think Arthur is involved?   
Douglas: Martin. Who else would think to adorn GERTI with wreaths of finely mashed garlic?  
Martin: On Full Moon? But garlic protects against vampires! It is silver that protects against werewolves.   
Douglas: Precisely. Personally I am hoping for a set of silver cufflinks next time we fly over the vampire rich land of Transylvania.   
Carolyn: Keep scrubbing, funny pilot.


	15. Camera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another prompt from fandot creativity night. It could be a tiny missing scene from Rotterdam.

Carolyn: And “ a musical grapefruit”! Apparently a ludicrous one.  
Herc: Now that´s outrageous. He was right about the musicality, though. The zing. And the juiciness.  
Carolyn: I´d phrase my speech very carefully from now on, if I were you.  
Herc: But I always do. The vocabulary might be dated, yet the sentiment´s nothing but sincere.  
Carolyn: You´re supposed to plot his slow and painful death. Not to - whatever it is you´re trying to do now.  
Herc: Pay you a compliment?  
Carolyn: That one. I need a plot. A devious one. One that will hit him right on the solar plexus.  
Herc: Well, you´ve got plenty of practice with those.  
Carolyn: You think?  
Herc: Definitely, darling. Just remember: the camera loves you. And so do-  
Carolyn: This call is terminated.  
Herc: -I-´ll be back.


	16. Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "thunder" and all I could think of was Douglas, saying "I fear you may be confusing me with Thor" in Gdansk.

All is fair in love and war.  
It seemed like a very uneven score,  
and yet, close to farewell,  
it transpired he had picked terribly well.  
Though he no longer confuses him with Thor.


	17. Scimitars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Combined 2 prompts for this one: "board games" and "adore".

Douglas:         Right. The rules are simple. You´re to use the prompt in a one-sentence-story. Ready, steady, “scimitar”!

Arthur:            Me first! The wise king Haroon al-Rasheed, disguised as a beggar, walked the streets of Baghdad, to find out how his people really fared-armed only with a scimitar.

Martin:            Very well-done, Arthur. On some nights, though, he played chess with the Jinn…a scimitar wielding Jinn.

Douglas:         A) You´re supposed to come up with your own story, not leech on Arthur´s. B) Are you sure? I´ve always thought the Jinn was in the story of Aladdin.

Herc:               Which was, curiously, a French addition to the One Thousand and One Night corpus.

Carolyn:          Was it now?

Herc:               Yes. One of the many splendid French inventions, don´t you think?

Arthur:            Like the French toast!

Douglas:         French wine.

Herc:               French kissing. (a beat) Has anyone told you look incredibly attractive with those daggers in your eyes?

Carolyn:          Yes. Their bodies litter my front yard. By the way, if this is a new game, I´m not playing.

Martin:            Afraid to loose? French leave.

Herc:               Hm. Curiously, in French, the saying goes: „Filer en anglaise“.

Martin:            To be as good at filing as the English are? I think the Swiss would be much better. Well-organised, precise, systematic…

Douglas:         With airlines that actually pay their pilots…

Martin:            Ah…

Douglas:         in genuine Patek Philippes …

Arthur:            …and stewards in Toblerones!

Herc:               What? No. French letter.

Douglas:         You´re sure you wouldn´t be more comfortable on a couch? This is getting just a trifle Freudian.

Herc:               No need. I just adore it when those daggers in her eyes turn into scimitars.


	18. Endless

Unlikely couple, unlikely friends.

But, as they say, it all depends.

They both like to fly, they like to spar,

it´s a bit like a game of yellow car,

that thing that makes you sound like a Disney toy never ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "endless". The first thing that came to mind was: "DOUGLAS: So how does it end, this game?  
> ARTHUR: It never ends." And then I thought, didn´t I hear that phrase before? Much to my delight, this I found in Corinthians 13:8-13, (ESV): "Love never ends."


	19. Apples and Oranges

Carolyn: Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit.  
Martin: Orange ….Juice, Orange …Blues, Orange …alert, no, wait, I got one, The Orange Orchard!  
Douglas: The Cherry Orchard.  
Martin: Are you sure?  
Douglas: That Russia isn´t an oranges-producing superpower? Fairly sure.  
Martin: There simply aren´t any more titles with the word orange.  
Douglas: No. With the possible exception of “Clockwork Orange”,  
“Orange is the New Black”,  
“The Five Orange Pips”-  
Carolyn: “August: Orange County”.  
Douglas: Nice try. But it´s “August: Osage County.”  
Carolyn: Is it? How lovely.  
Martin: You seem to be very philosophical about losing today.  
Carolyn: You know what they say: if you lose some, it´s time you hire an expert. I´m sure Herc will wipe the floor with Douglas, especially when it comes to vegetarian word games.  
Douglas: Hm. Perhaps I should start ordering a ham tray.  
Carolyn: You can try. But according to our revised company policy, cheese trays will be replaced by fruit trays and deserts by salads.  
Douglas: Goodness. If this doesn´t make you happy that you´re leaving, Martin, then nothing will.  
Martin: I am happy. I just thought I would be happier.  
Douglas: Well, you got one last chance to buzz the cabin crew for a foolproof remedy.  
Martin: I do?  
Douglas: Arthur, break the emergency glass. We require an apple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was: "orange". And somehow it developed into post-Zurich angst. Sorry for that!


	20. The Final Toast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Halloween prompt. I think it was "wax". Waxing is really scary though. And all the good wax jokes are already taken by Calvin+Hobbs.  
> http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2015/08/25

Arthur: Let´s have another toast!  
Carolyn: Light of my life, we have already drunk to Polar Bears, Crazy Golf, Nail Polish...  
Douglas: Yes, as much as I enjoy a shot of Tetra Pack-matured apple juice...  
Arthur: You can have some of my pinapple.  
Douglas: Thank you Arthur, but I never mix drinks.  
Martin: We could drink to costume parties! They´re cool. And educational.  
Douglas: That´s actually the last thing I´d expect you to wax lyrical about. Good for you, Martin.  
Carolyn: In vino veritas. Maybe we should stop before we learn something really embarrassing about Martin.  
Douglas: Oh, how many times has that ship sailed.  
Martin: Well, allow me to point out, in a cool professional manner, which has become a trademark of mine, that the Carnival has been a formative tradition of the Western civilization for centuries-  
Douglas: - as well as the only time during which you could plausibly pretend you were an aeroplane?  
Arthur: Wow, that´s brilliant Skip. What did you dress up as on Halloween?  
Carolyn: Plane crash, what else.  
Arthur: Mum, Skip would never crash a plane.  
Douglas: Hm. Happens to the best of us.  
Martin: Sky Gods included?  
Douglas: Well, one does not like to brag and boast, of course…  
Carolyn: (imitating Douglas) Oh, doesn´t one?  
Douglas: Besides, I am quite sure there are many scarier things between heavens and earth…  
Arthur: (downcast) A strawberry-olive smoothie.  
Douglas: Well, judging by the way Martin checks the special inside pocket of his flight bag on entering the terminal, on leaving the terminal, and on entering the aircraft, forgotten papers must be very scary indeed.  
Martin: It´s not scary. (a beat) I also check it on leaving my home, on getting into my car and on leaving my car.  
Carolyn: In a cool professional way, no doubt.  
Douglas: Naturally. One day, they´ll call it the Crieff Maneuver.  
Martin: I´ll drink to that.  
Douglas: You will?  
Martin: Yes.  
Douglas: Growing a thick hide, are we?  
Martin: Growing.  
Douglas/Carolyn: We´ll drink to that.


	21. Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "heat". And Sherlock was very much on my mind. :-)

Martin: Heat.  
Douglas: I´ll see your Al Pacino and raise you Robert de Niro.  
Martin: I´ll see your Robert de Niro and raise you Ben Stiller.  
Douglas: Seriously? Of all the Robert de Niro movies you pick Meet the Parents?  
Martin: I was trying to pick one you wouldn´t know.  
Arthur: What are you chaps playing?  
Martin: We´re having a movie poker night.  
Arthur: Oh, I should have brought my hat.  
Martin: What?  
Arthur: People always wear hats when they play poker in the movies.  
Martin: But were not pretending we´re playing poker like they do in the movies. The game is to find movies, in which the actors we have just named appear together.  
Arthur: I´d like to play real poker. Just once. Mum never lets me.  
Carolyn: I think dearheart, you´ll find Douglas very poker-adverse. Since I fleeced him last time.  
Martin: How did you do that?  
Carolyn: Easily.  
Douglas: By the narrowest of margins.  
Martin: The word „fleece“ implies otherwise.  
Douglas: The word „fleece“ implies she spends too much time with Herc.  
Martin: What do you mean? Douglas...has Emily talked you into another Sherlock marathon? Because this definitely sounds like a BBC 1 deduction.  
Douglas: Have you seen my eyes? They are clear, limpid even...  
Martin: Uhm, yes. Thank´s for sharing.  
Douglas: ...but I have kept my feet elevated the whole time we´ve been waiting here.  
Arthur: It wasn´t a Sherlock marathon! It was a real one! Or, you want us to notice your shoes.  
Carolyn: Your limpid eyes have a certain melancholic quality. Your feet hurt...clearly you had been dragged from one souvenir peddler to another. A Sherlock con?  
Douglas: I don´t need a Sherlock con to notice that in the last month you repeatedly referenced one specific animal species.  
Carolyn: All part of standard phraseology.  
Douglas: Oh really? Like „miles to go before we sheep“? Or even (shudders) „Sheep passing in the night“?  
Martin: Oh, that´s what that meant. I thought you were practicing for a new game.  
Douglas: She was. It´s called „marriage“.  
Arthur: Brilliant!  
Carolyn: Now you really letting your imagination run wild, Douglas.  
Douglas: Whatever you say. Just don´t forget we all expect a pay raise on the wedding day.


	22. Of Hats and Silliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "hats".

Carolyn: No.  
Herc: All right. It will be their loss. And mine.  
Carolyn: It´s the height of snobbery.  
Herc: It´s one of the great British traditions.  
Carolyn: I´d rather go to Stone Skimming Championships.  
Herc: Well. Perhaps later?  
Arthur: Mum, would you like a plane- or a polar bear design? Martin insists on a Spitfire, but that had been done so many times.  
Herc: Can you really make a polar bear hat, Arthur?  
Arthur: All I need is a bit of superglue. My collection of stuffed animals is extensive.  
Carolyn: Any sheep?  
Arthur: I think I got a ram. Very solid horns. I could probably glue a Spitfire on top.  
Herc: On second thought, Ascot could be seen as a bit snobbish.  
Carolyn: Walcot Lake then?  
Herc: Excuse me?  
Arthur: That´s where the Stone Skimming takes place. Mum´s the reigning champion.  
Herc: And if I beat you, will you put on a nice, non- Arthur manufactured hat and go watch the horses with me?  
Carolyn: If you win Hercules, I ´ll eat one of your tofu steaks.  
Herc: Not your hat? I´ll have you know that people generally queue up for my delicious miso glazed tofu steaks.  
Carolyn: Don´t make me despair for humanity again.  
Douglas: Don´t worry. I´ll win this time and your faith in natural order of things will be restored.  
Carolyn: Douglas, how many times have I beaten you in the last five years?  
Martin: 16, if you count training matches. How I wish I knew this sooner.  
Douglas: As soon as I will have proven that her “lucky stone” is actually a jet-propelled-  
Herc: Carolyn, have mercy, let´s go to see Aida.  
Carolyn: Why, Hercules, I thought you´d never ask.


	23. Glasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Creativity Night prompt. I´d like to write another chapter of this one, but so far have no idea how. If you do, run with it :-)

Martin: They make you look very distinguished.   
Douglas: You haven´t seen a thing.   
Martin: Oh, yes, I have.   
Douglas: Good. Then you´ll take this secret to your grave.  
Martin: What? Douglas, isn´t that a bit extreme?  
Douglas: Not a word. Not to her.   
Martin: Wait. Carolyn doesn´t know you need glasses?  
Douglas: Don´t be ridiculous. Of course she does. She covers the cost of new ones, every two years.  
Martin: She does that?   
Douglas: It took me ages to get that clause added into my contract. She only caved in after I aced Arthur´s first strawberry drill. I´ll teach you how to use the EpiPen if you keep your mouth shut.   
Martin: Vis-a-vis who? Douglas?   
Douglas: Helena.   
Martin: Douglas… I have this sudden premonition that if I laughed now, you really would kill me.  
Douglas: With this very spoon I am holding.   
Martin: It´s rather blunt.   
Douglas: It would hurt more.   
Martin: And made of plastic.   
Douglas: Have you ever known me to shrink from a challenge?   
Martin: Ahem, filling the logs?   
Douglas: From a challenge, not extreme boredom. Do I have your word?   
Martin: You have thirty days. Get the Camembert back on the cheese tray, where it rightfully belongs, and I will prove to you just how discreet I am.  
Douglas: That does sound like a challenge. Of course, you do realise that as soon as the Camembert appears on the cheese tray it will be merely one more thing for you to loose and for me to win.  
Martin: You never know.   
Douglas: You never do. We´re on.


	24. Tulips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> looking at clouds...

Douglas: Scary skies today. How you´ re holding up?

Herc: Scary? Good visibility, lovely sunshine…nothing scary about that.

Douglas: Not even that Altocumulus? Looks like a herd of uncommonly pugnacious male sheep, wouldn´t you say?

Herc: No, I wouldn´t. If anything, it´s vegetal, not animal…I´d say tulips.

Dougals: Tulips.

Herc: Well, alright, cotton flowers, if you squint. 

Douglas: Cotton, wool, same difference really. Look at those horns! Or are that hoofs?

Herc: I can´t believe Carolyn revealed how strongly I feel about those beasts.

Douglas: Well, she dragged us all the way to Uskerty once, just to get you a gift, so I´d rather say she revealed how strongly she feels about you.

Herc: Ah.

Douglas: Of course, if you wanted a suggestion for a reciprocal gesture from someone who´s known Carolyn for ages…

Herc: In exchange for what?

Douglas: A weeksworth of fruit trays?

Herc: Go on.

Douglas: K. 191/186e. Basson concerto in B-flat major.


	25. You gotta break a few eggs...

Herc: You did what?

Arthur: I redecorated the guest room. After all, you´ve got to break a few eggs to make a pancake.

Herc: An omelette.

Arthur: Scrambled eggs too. Oh, is this a new game? Because I know a lot of egg-based dishes. Even – but you must keep this a secret-

Herc: Arthur-

Arthur: (whispering): - The Surprising R -

Herc: Arthur, why did you redecorate the guest room?

Arthur: Mum said it would be your study now.

Carolyn: Ceiling in vivid green, old opera tickets and programs where the wallpaper used to be. Hercules, what kind of look is that?

Herc: Stern. This is my stern look. Compromised by a sudden spring allergy.

Carolyn: It´s December.

Herc: Climate change?

Carolyn: Well, let´s hope we can avoid rising fluff levels.

Herc: And with that one sentence you preempted everything I was about to say now.

Arthur: That´s no problem, Herc, because I have been to a people-reading course. In Ipswich.

Carolyn: What do you see then, my proficient people-reader?

Arthur: I probably shouldn´t have incorporated tickets to tomorrows Magic Flute into the wallpaper.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "Facebook". Kind of difficult, because I´m not on it. But let´s assume it´s a force for good.

Douglas: Carolyn, I have rarely worked with a kinder and gentler woman.

Carolyn: Oh God. Not another scheme.

Douglas: No, no scheme. Just testing the limits of this brave new world.

Carolyn: I am going to give you the benefit of doubt and assume you´re not drunk.

Douglas: Sober as a judge. Therefore, an alternative universe is the only possible explanation.

Carolyn: Douglas, I am all for narrative tension, but your pacing is all wrong. Skip to the part where you start to make sense.

Douglas: Do you see that young and rather attractive girl sitting over there?

Carolyn: You mean next to Martin? I bet you five quid she´ll be off in next 30 seconds.

Douglas: The tete-a-tete has been going on for full ten minutes now. Not to mention that it started with a phrase: “Can I buy you a drink?” and continued: “I´m a huge fan of yours.”

Carolyn: Oh, that. She probably thinks he´s Martin Freeman.

Douglas: Is that why she just told him: “I´m sorry you have to leave captain Crieff. See you in Verona, next week”?

Carolyn: Well, it´ s official. We´re through the rabbit hole. 

Douglas: Good. I´m expecting an avalanche of carefully crafted compliments by my CEO any minute now.

Carolyn: Martin, come here for a second.

Martin: Yes?

Douglas: How?

Martin: Well, remember how you told me no one would be interested in my top 20 aeroplanes of all times?

Douglas: What I remember is that you started around Archangelsk and by the time we´ve gotten to Amsterdam, you were still only at No. 18.

Martin: She started a plane-watcher´s group. Follows me on Facebook.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First prompt was "X-ray Vision", so I tried to capture what I think is Arthur´s superpower. The second one was "Slightly Off" and that has somehow turned into Douglas/Helena angst. Sorry about that.

X-RAY VISION

When people say „damn“, he says „brilliant!“

Maybe a clot, but strangely resilient.

His world is different, free from derision.

I wish I had that super power-

better than x-ray vision.

 

FITTON

The take-off was great.

She thinks I´m terrific.

I´m tempting the fate.

At that, I´m prolific.

She saw the cat’s knees,

she didn´t scoff.

She likes what she sees.

But the picture is off.


	28. The Great Potato Scheme

I.  
Douglas: Oh, ye of little faith.  
Martin: I´m just being realistic. Not even you can come up with a scheme that would justify serving a jacket potato to the Princess of Lichtenstein. And that´s pretty much the only thing I can cook well.  
Douglas: Well, luckily for you, there´s a Guy Fawkes night coming.  
Martin: What?  
Douglas: You know, bonfires, spuds baked in the glowing embers. You can sell it as the great British tradition.  
Martin: Yeah! Douglas?  
Douglas: Yes?  
Martin: Won´t she think it´a little, you know, cheesy?  
Douglas: Now that depends entirely on the topping.  
Martin: I really hate the way your brain works. 

II.  
Douglas: Good morning, Martin. Martin?  
Martin: Uhm.  
Douglas: Tell me.  
Martin: Hm.  
Douglas: I gave you a plausible reason to serve a potato to a princess and threw in a recipe for my very cheffy cheddar sauce.  
Martin: In exchange for 10 flights worth of logbook entries.  
Douglas: A very competitive price considering you always do the logbooks anyway. You had it in the bag, what happened?  
Martin: It poured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a "Cheddar" prompt and there was a "Bag" prompt. Do people really eat Jacket Potatoes on Guy Fawkes night in Britain? Wiki says so...


	29. A Very Delicate Time

A very delicate time,   
the beginning.  
You can delicately sink,  
or start swimming.

For me it was lead or cede.  
“I might be wrong“  
ain´t part of the creed.

Then, the beginning ends.  
And we´ve allowed ourselves  
to become -  
friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "beginning". I thought of doing a word game based on Frank Herbert´s Dune (but feared it would be too niche. lol ): “A beginning is a very delicate time. Know then, that is is the year 10191. The known universe is ruled by the Padishah Emperor Shaddam the Fourth, my father. In this time, the most precious substance in the universe is the spice Melange. The spice extends life. The spice expands consciousness."


	30. Not an Accident

Arhur: “Ax” plus “I” plus “dent”.  
Douglas: What ?   
Arthur: Accident.   
Douglas: That´s not how you play Words of One Syllable.  
Arthur: Why not?   
Douglas: Because the purpose of the game isn´t to chop up words into syllables and then glue them back together with a “plus“.  
Martin: The game has a purpose?   
Douglas: Naturally.  
Martin: Which is....?  
Douglas: Me winning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "Accident." The very word that tripped Douglas up in Wokingham. :-)


	31. Nineteen Zombies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "Nineteen" or "Zombie".

Arthur: Nineteen zombies crawling through the wall/ Nineteen zombies crawling through the wall /and if one green zombie should accidentally fall/the other zombies will promptly join the brawl

Carolyn: Is it that time of the year again?

Douglas: Let´s check… it´s a full dress rehearsal. Yep, that generally means Halloween in three days.

Martin: But he´s gonna change, isn´t he? I mean you can´t possibly allow Arthur to serve passengers dressed up as a zombie.

Douglas: Of course not. Last year he was a mummy.

Martin: Welcoming passengers? Serving drinks?

Douglas: Well, at the time, he was a bit tied-up. It took him half the flight to free his hands, but I must say the moaning and groaning was very realistic.

Carolyn: There must have been a casting director on that flight. A few days later Arthur received an invitation for a screen test.

Martin: Arthur, the movie star. Nah, I can´t see it.

Douglas: No. I don´t think the world´s quite ready for a cheerful scary movie. 

Arthur: Mum?

Carolyn: God, I hope that´s cranberry juice or something, and not my makeup.

Douglas: Judging by the density of that drosophila, commonly known as fruit fly…

Arthur: Brilliant effect, isn´t it? Mum, If Minty makes the Halloween menu, will you let me serve it?

Carolyn: Minty? I thought you were just friends now.

Arthur: We are. She´s starting a catering business and she needs a break and we need proper Halloween food. Madam, can I tempt you with a Squashed Eyeball? Would you care for a Bloody Finger, captain? We also have a delicious Brain Purée.

Martin: Not on my flight.

Arthur: Oh, come on, Skip. Squashed Eyeballs are made of finest marzipan, the Brain Purée is chestnut truffle, Bloody Fingers is rhum-infused sponge with an almond and raspberry coulis.

Douglas: This sounds like an advanced stage of a Bake-Off addiction.

Martin: Hm. Ahhh. Actually, this is quite-

Carolyn: -she´s hired.

Arthur: Brilliant!


	32. The Crieff Stratagem

You shall not pass!

Poor Balrog.

Don´t you know it takes seven tries?

 

I passed.

I even made a pass.

With class.

Duxford Air Museum.

 

You can pass.

Even if it sometimes feels

Like slow-dancing

on a broken glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate it when my "poems" need footnotes. Almost all my "poems" need footnotes. Is the universe trying to tell me something?   
> Balrog: a Lord of the Rings reference (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJZZNHekEQw)  
> Duxford Air Museum: Martin and Theresa´s first date (http://www.cabinpressurefans.co.uk/cabin-pressure-episode-transcripts/vaduz-transcript/)  
> The prompt was "Dancing", but the Broken Glass belongs to Eurythmics (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y25stK5ymlA).


	33. Season´s Greetings

Martin: What´s that smell?

Douglas: You mean the distinctive fragrance of a malfunctioning heater? Welcome to the Portacabin, captain.

Martin: No, I stopped registering that two days ago. This one´s not bad. Bit burnt, but chocolate-y.

Carolyn: Arthur?

Arthur: I´m just writing a letter, mum.

Carolyn: On a huge slab of chocolate?

Martin: With a pyrography pen?

Arthur: It´s a chocolate letter. But I might have set the heat too high.

Martin: You know there is such thing as being too creative.

Douglas: I am sure that´s what they told to Orville and Wilbur.

Martin: Douglas, I wish you wouldn´t invoke the Wright brothers so flippantly.

Carolyn: Why are you making a chocolate letter, Arthur?

Arthur: To make Santa happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "chocolate letter". I had no idea that it was a Dutch tradition: giving chocolate A´s to Arthurs, M´s to Martins...sounds like a very nice custom :-)


	34. GERTI

Not the most beautiful plane to behold.

Some would even dare to call her old.

Yet, good things come to those who wait

till Zurich, which was great-

she´s low on glitter, but high on gold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was "glitter". First I thought I would try to work this in:  
> “All that is gold does not glitter,  
> Not all those who wander are lost;  
> The old that is strong does not wither,  
> Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
> 
> From the ashes a fire shall be woken,  
> A light from the shadows shall spring;  
> Renewed shall be blade that was broken,  
> The crownless again shall be king.”  
> ....but then I conquered my inner nerd :-)


	35. Christmas Cookies

Martin: That was delicious, Carolyn. Thank you.

Douglas: Yes. Nothing says Christmas like a cheap Chinese takeaway.

Carolyn: Don´t tell me you were expecting an expansive Chinese takeaway.

Martin: (singing softly) I´m dreaming of a sushi Christmas…

Douglas: I certainly didn´t expect to be snowed in Bydgoszcz on Christmas Eve.

Martin: How could you have. I bet few hours ago you didn´t even know Bydgoszcz existed.

Douglas: You didn´t know it existed. My knowledge of obscure Eastern European airports is unrivaled.

Carolyn: We all learned the hard way.

Arthur: Open yours, Mum!

Carolyn: Unusual shape, these fortune cookies. Anything you´d like to tell me Arthur?

Arthur: They were really nice, mum. And they let me help in the kitchen!

Douglas: You did what?

Martin: Shall I google local gastroenterologists or E.R. directly?

Douglas: Don´t bother. We´re doomed.

Arthur: I just chopped things. And stuff.

Carolyn: That´s why it took you ages.

Arthur: Well, first I had to find something that was open, and nothing was open except this little Chinese place. Open your cookies, chaps!

Martin: (reading his cookie) “Airplanes fly for the sake of the kids. Thank you for explaining.“

Douglas: I think Martin´s reading my cookie.

Arthur: No, no, you got a special one.

Douglas: A more special one?

Carolyn: (reads aloud) “You´ll get a Total Opera Package from a mysterious stranger in a green Mercedes. Act surprised.“

Carolyn: Arthur, if you made another artisanal cookie for Herc, hand it over right now.

Douglas: (reading his fortune cookie) “I told them you like sushi for Christmas. They promised they wouldn´t cook your fish.“

Carolyn: Douglas! Did you…?

Douglas: Did I eat this decorative, hoof-shaped piece of carp, obviously full of bones, covered in breadcrumbs, but left unfried? I resisted the temptation.

Carolyn: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

Arthur: (singing his heart out) God rest ye merry gentlemen…


End file.
